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  • Writer's pictureJonathan Baner

People v. Turkey

COMES NOW, the people of the State of Washington through their duly self-appointed counsel Baner and Baner Law Firm.

Identification of parties

Turkey, born Meleagris Gallopavo but known as November Butterball Deliciousness the third (NBD III), is a free range bird of limited domestic use. People of the State of Washington are those approximately 7.6 million individuals possessing an appetite for poultry and dark, damp winters. The Court should take judicial notice that it is raining presently (i.e. whenever this is read it will be raining or about to be).

Facts leading to litigation

The people have raised and nurtured NBD III / delicious turkey for several months. The people are heretofore desirous of consuming NBD III along with a host of caloric excesses on November 23th, 2023. The people have thus petitioned the State of Washington for a writ of carving to be executed by the senior qualified butcher of the respective household to divide NBD III (or its kind) into excessively large quantities for mass consumption.

NDB III has not put forward any defenses or counterclaims. Indeed, NBD III has conceded that he is delicious, and should be eaten with all due haste. His only request, as communicated by his esteemed attorney GG, is that you please be thankful for his deliciousness and for you fellow poultry consumers.

Law of the jungle controls

It is an accepted maxim that "the one that can hold a fork shall be entitled to decide what goes on it." This legal maxim derives from the latin phrase of "(omitted)" meaning "fork holder wins."

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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